RE:News NOODNIK CENTRICAL LAUNCHES SELF-PLEASURECENTRICAL AS AUTO-EROTICISM TAKES OFF DURING PANDEMIC
Mr. Brain Knish announces Noodnik Centrical Crapolation Inc. has launched its latest original digital media platform, Self-PleasureCentrical, a dynamic digital destination -- look, I'm making with the alliterations, d-d-durn it! -- for high-spending, free-thinking creative-class trendsetters who play with themselves.
Offering the latest in news, coverage, analysis, events, lifestyle features and manual-stimulation culture, with a strong focus on covering self-gratification, onanism and subjects from deep within the masturbatory world, Self-PleasureCentrical provides the ultimate insider guide to the burgeoning activity.
"The Covid pandemic and the ensuing fear of 'no schtupping, because maybe you could swallow a germ' has led to a striking increase in style-setters and trend-benders forsaking the swinging social-interchange scene in bars, nightclubs and chic urban destinations in neighborhoods where hepsters and humpsters and ho's once congregated before they began social-distancing. Pick-ups and hook-ups have fallen flatly and wonton wanking has become the sophisticated and very fashionable New Normal. For most, 'one' has become the new 'two.' As I myself have heard all my life, it is nothing to be ashamed of and you don't grow much hair on your palms, if any," stated Mr. Knish, extending his palms for inspection.
Beating-the-meat has grown into a massive pastime, one with its own lexicon and hierarchy of "yank-stars." If the past few months have shown us anything -- with self-pleasuring stepping up to fill the void left by the absence of traditional sexual activity -- it's that the potential audience for this is bigger than anyone might ever have thought. This global phenomenon reaches beyond the active community and into mainstream culture as a whole. Mr. Knish projects the new project will quickly forward-project monitizamation and could be accretive to other portals currently under near-term conceptualization by Noodnik Centrical, including: Pigeon-Racing-Centrical, Half-Price-Pastries-After-Five-Centrical, Hanging-Out-at-Pitch-n-Putt-Centrical, Spare-Key-Duplicator-Centrical, and Just-Off-Centrical, which doesn't have any explainable purpose yet, but don't you just love the name?
Noodnik Centrical Crapolation plans to create value by consolidating all 100 of the remaining 36 defunct and almost-defunct hippie newspapers, not publishing them, and sweatily making up crackpot Internet schemes to confuse its five investors.