MIstakes Were Made 1I’ve been away travelling….did you miss me? Ha ha.
Over the past few weeks, I’ve been reading the most fascinating book, titled “Mistakes were Made (but NOT by me)”. Walks through so many of the current public fiascos over the past decade or so and dissects and examines the rationale. In the words of the authors, lying to others is bad, but lying to yourself is toxic. Yet many people caught in the dilemma of cognitive dissonance, have to try to reconcile totally mismatched beliefs (i.e. I am a good person, this is a wrong action), so they begin to create their own stories to try to create some semblance of inner harmony.
According to the book, the 3 most often-used strategies when mistakes are made are:
- to minimize the situation or the implications i.e. “this is a tempest in a teapot.” Seems to be a favourite tactic of our current PM, especially after he’s poked his adversaries with a stick first.
- to externalize or blame. Blaming may be of other people…who as a kid hasn’t used “But Mom, he pushed me first!” or “He was asking for it.” Or you might blame events or circumstances i.e. the economy, shifting markets, or mercury retrograde (if you read the daily horoscope.) Either way, you can now place yourself in victim mode, which allows you to evade the scent of error. If you’re following the media currently, you may be catching a whiff of this emanating from Brian Mulroney.
- The third tactic is to admit, and then cut and run. Think of former MP Svend Robinson’s pilfering of a ring for his beau. Quick excuses, BIG apology, and then exit stage left. Where is he now…?
The fourth tactic, which is RARELY used, is to stay and deal with it…minimizing, blaming, or disappearing just won’t cut it. Some situations can’t be escaped i.e. Premier Gordon Campbell’s drunk driving conviction in Hawaii. Others are chosen i.e. Tylenol’s high road out vs. Exxon Valdez’ slithering low route.
We ALL use these tactics ALL the time. It’s easier to see them in others than to recognize them in ourselves. But, yes, Toto, we DO all have that dark side often relating to victim and blame, albeit we don’t all use it to the same effect.
I know, I know. What does ALL of this have to do with VSI, other than being a much more enlightening post than the last dozen or so? Bear with me, I’ll come to that. But first, a few more fascinating points.
***Studies have proven that couples who maintain a ratio of at least 5 empowering/respectful comments/actions for every 1 critical comment/action are more likely to stay together happily and successfully.
***People who are in situations where they are able to take actions without likely retaliation are more likely to behave badly. The book cites the Abu Grahab prison example.
No one to torture at home? No dog to kick? Well, just take an alias, come onto the web and torture Hugh Cleland…or each other. No likely direct retaliation, plus it’s a cheap and easy thrill. You can explain the cognitive dissonance away by saying “that’s not really me, it’s my alter ego, snappendragoon. I know if the real me talked like this in public, people would advise me to take a sedative. If the real me was this critical with my spouse, s/he would jilt me for a Dale Carnegie instructor.”
***In both of these situations, the presence or absence of empathy seems to be the deciding factor….the ability to put yourself into someone else’s shoes.
Ok, ok, on to VSI in the next post.