How about this news flash. Bernanke broke down in front of congress and admitted money is worthless and is just an illusion. This will likely force people to seriously consider other investment strategies like gold, silver, and toilet paper.
WASHINGTON—The U.S. economy ceased to function this weekafter unexpected existential remarks by Federal Reserve chairman BenBernanke shocked Americans into realizing that money is, in fact, just ameaningless and intangible social construct.
Calling it "basically no morethan five rectangular strips of paper," Fed chairman Ben Bernankeillustrates how much "$200" is actually worth.
What began as a routine report before the Senate Finance CommitteeTuesday ended with Bernanke passionately disavowing the entire conceptof currency, and negating in an instant the very foundation of theworld's largest economy.
"Though raising interest rates is unlikely at the moment, the Fedwill of course act appropriately if we…if we…" said Bernanke, who thenpaused for a moment, looked down at his prepared statement, and shookhis head in utter disbelief. "You know what? It doesn't matter. None ofthis—this so-called 'money'—really matters at all."
"It's just an illusion," a wide-eyed Bernanke added as he removedbills from his wallet and slowly spread them out before him. "Just lookat it: Meaningless pieces of paper with numbers printed on them.Worthless."
According to witnesses, Finance Committee members sat inthunderstruck silence for several moments until Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT)finally shouted out, "Oh my God, he's right. It's all a mirage. All ofit—the money, our whole economy—it's all a lie!"
Screams then filled the Senate Chamber as lawmakers and members ofthe press ran for the exits, leaving in their wake aisles littered withthe remains of torn currency.
U.S. markets closed as tradersleft their jobs and resolved for once to do or make something, anythingof real value.
As news of the nation's collectively held delusion spread, theeconomy ground to a halt, with dumbfounded citizens everywhere walkingout on their jobs as they contemplated the little green drawings ofbuildings and dead white men they once used to measure their adequacyand importance as human beings.
At the New York Stock Exchange, Wednesday morning's opening bellechoed across a silent floor as the few traders who arrived for work outof habit looked up blankly at the meaningless scrolling numbers on theflashing screens above.
"I've spent 25 years in this room yelling 'Buy, buy! Sell, sell!' andfor what?" longtime trader Michael Palermo said. "All I've done is movearbitrary designations of wealth from one column to another, wasting mylife chasing this unattainable hallucination of wealth."
"What a cruel cosmic joke," he added. "I'm going home to hug mydaughter."
Sources at the White House said President Obama was "still trying toget his head around all this" and was in seclusion with his coincollection, muttering "it's just metal, it's just metal" over and overagain.
"The president will be making a statement very soon," press secretaryRobert Gibbs told reporters. "At the moment, though, his mind is justtoo blown to comment."
A few U.S. banks have remained open, though most teller windows areunmanned due to a lack of interest in transactions involving mere scrapsof paper or, worse, decimal points and computer data signifying merescraps of paper. At a Bank of America branch in Spokane, WA, curiousformer customers wandered aimlessly through a large empty vault, whileseveral would-be robbers of a Chase bank in Columbus, OH reportedly puttheir guns down and exited the building hand in hand with securityguards, laughing over the inherent absurdity of the idea of $100 bills.
Likewise, the real estate industry has all but vanished, withmortgage lenders seeing no reason to stop people from reclaiming theirforeclosed-upon homes.
"I don't even know what we were thinking in the first place," saidformer banker Nathan Collins of Brandon, MS, as he jimmyed open a doorto allow a single mother and her five children to move back into theirhouse. "A bunch of people sign a bunch of papers, and now this familyhas no place to live? That's just plain ludicrous."
The realization that money is nothing more than an elaborate headgame seems to have penetrated the entire country: In Wilmington, DE, forinstance, a collection agent reportedly broke down in joyful sobs whenhe informed a woman on the other end of the phone that he had absolutelyno reason to harass her anymore, as her Discover Card debt was nolonger comprehensible.
For some Americans, the fog of disbelief surrounding the nation'sepiphany has begun to lift, with many building new lives free from theillusion of money.
"It's back to basics for me," Bernard Polk of Waverly, OH said. "I'mgoing to till the soil for my own sustenance and get anything else Ineed by bartering. If I want milk, I'll pay for it in tomatoes. If need anew hoe, I'll pay for it in lettuce."
When asked, hypothetically, how he would pay for complicatedlife-saving surgery for a loved one, Polk seemed uncertain.
"That's a lot of vegetables, isn't it?" he said.
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