KMD Oil Well Lawsuit Corporation Dear Reader, I think I've found a great new stock for people to invest in; it's the KMD Oil Well Lawsuit Corporation. I spoke to their president today, Mr. Ben Dover. Here is a transcript of our conversation:
"Mr. Dover, I read that your company will be using revolutionary exploration techniques to generate income for the company; could you explain? I mean the oil business is very exciting!"
"Well, Mr. Redrum, we won't be making money from the actual oil exploration. KMD plans to enter into joint venture agreements with claim holders. We'll raise money from our shareholders, draw nice salaries and then we simply won't perform in accordance with the partnership agreement. Then when posters on the partners' bulletin boards gripe and complain, we'll sue them for slander! It's genius!!"
"Come on, Mr. Dover. You can't get away with that. Everything is spelled out in the agreements, right down to the cost per meter of drilling an oil well!"
"Well, sometimes records get lost; judges understand...this isn't an exact science... besides, my Uncle Moe has a drilling company and he can charge whatever he wants! I got all the receipts they need. It's not an exacting business; you can make stuff up as you go along! Worst comes to worst, sometimes records get lost, you know!"
"I don't get the part about suing the people who post on Bullboards? How is there money in that?"
"Well, when we screw up, the stock is sure to go down. We have to blame somebody! So we'll just blame the people who are writing about our stock! Then we'll find some judge gullible enough to believe the internet controls the stock market and, voila, we have another profit center for our company--Lawsuits for libel by Stockhouse posters! Why, we won't even give them a warning to cease and desist. KMD will become a runaway growth stock!!! Soon every company will find posters an important revenue-generating source! But you gotta sue 'em all! Volume, volume, volume, even if we have to sue our own investors!"
"Hmmmm....sounds like a great investment!"
"Then we're going to start a pharmaceutical division; "work" on a cure for cancer; when we don't find one and different posters complain about it on the Bullboard, we'll sue those posters too!!! We'll find some scientist who will claim psychic damage from all the negative posts! We're talking at least $100,000,000, maybe 200 million! It'll be great!!! I have to check with our accountant, but maybe we can claim the 200 million as an asset!!!! Can you imagine our news release: 'We would have found the cure for cancer if those posters didn't destroy our share price with those nasty comments'"...
"I wish you the best of luck, Mr. Dover."
KMD Oil Well Lawsuit Corporation trades on the Under-The-Table Stock Exchange.
The preceding was a fictional account involving a fictional company and fictional characters; any similarities to any company or person living or dead is purely coincidental. I own shares in KMD and the foregoing is not investment advice and you need to do your own dd before making any investment.