X-jokes (continued) I would like to wish Vulcan a successful operation and a speedy recovering. God bless you!
I know the house is empty today, and I just need someone to giggle with me. After this, we'll go back to posting relevant information. Once a while, it's good for a change. Please accept my apology if you find this too graphic. Like I said, my taste for jokes is "salty". As the saying goes, "it's only a joke, not a d**k, so don't take it too hard".
Husband: Can I come in your ear?
Wife: No, honey, that would make me go deaf.
Husband: That’s total BS. I come in your mouth all the time but you never shut the fkkk up.
Wife (looks at husband with sexy eyes): Can you make me scream with just two fingers?
Husband: Absolutely. Let me poke your eyes.
Wife: Darling, will you whisper dirty things in my ears?
Husband (whispers): kitchen, bathroom and living room.
A man was sitting on his own in a restaurant, when he saw a beautiful woman at another table. He sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent him a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” He wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”
A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”
A couple is ready to go to sleep. The man lies on the bed but the woman lies down on the floor. The man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?'' The woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."
A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick."
Wife: Honey, why are you buying two big cases of beer?
Husband: ‘Cause I want to plan for my future
A little girls accidentally went into her parents’ bedroom and witnessed the “inferno”. She rushed out bursting in tears. “Whoa...whoa... and you make me go see a doctor just for sucking my thumbs.”
Husband: I’m so fed up with the idiots working for the government. I showed them all the papers, as well as my ID and they still didn’t believe me. I had no choice but to rip open my shirt to show them my grey chest hair so they would qualify me for pension.
Wife: You should have ripped open your pants. That would have qualified you for disability.
A woman went to her dentist’s office. Upon arrival, she took off her panties, laid down and spread her legs. The dentist was puzzled.
“Mrs. Mitchell, I’m not a gynaecologist. There’s no need to take down your pants.”
“I know. But my husband came to see you last week for a new set of false teeth, and now I want them out.”
Two Italian men got on the bus. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two a**es come together. I come once-a-more. Two a**es, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta s*xa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."