Bearly Legal: The worst in today's business news

Down markets are a bummer. But at least we can all get together and point at those doing it the worst.

Here’s today’s look at the worst of business news.

COAL IN THE STOCKING

One of the United States’ largest coal producers, which operates some 60 coal mines, has filed for bankruptcy protection.

Alpha Natural Resources (NYSE:ANR, Forum) has failed to make ends meet in the face of 20% lower coal prices and electric companies making the switch to natural gas.

And people not wanting to breathe soot.



In August 2008, a share in the company would have cost you $104. Today, that share price is down to $0.04, and that’s probably over-valued, considering the company has $3.14 billion in long term debt.

Yes, billion. While the rest of the world was figuring out how to replace coal, Alpha was buying it up like people gave a crap. They paid $7 billion for Massey Energy in 2011, an investment that today is worth about the cost of a used Miata.

Alpha will delist from the New York Stock Exchange soon and will cease reporting financials, making it the very definition of a penny stock.

‘IT WAS ALL THAT GUY’ – FINANCIAL EXECS

35-year-old Tom Hayes, a former Citibank (NYSE:C, Forum) and UBS (NYSE:UBS, Forum) trader, has been sentenced to 14 years in prison for ‘masterminding’ a five year manipulation of the London Interbank Lending Rate, otherwise known as LIBOR, which is the rate at which banks borrow from each other.

Hayes says he was made a scapegoat and that his bosses knew what was going on all along, which is obviously the case to anyone with a pulse.



INDIAN PORN BLOCKAGE

The India Department of Telecommunications has demanded internet service providers to block over 850 adult websites on morality grounds.

Gang rape, however? Still a popular hobby.

DEFINE ‘SANDWICHES’

A bunch of employees from Subway set a Guinness World Record Saturday when they made 1481 sandwiches at the same time. This beat the earlier record of TangoTab in Dallas, that got 1363 sandwiches made.

No word as to whether Subway’s sandwich haul included industrial avocado squeezed out of a bag or a 3-inch thick, 2-inch high schmearing of honey mustard, like the sandwiches they sell at their restaurants.



KOCH BLOCKERS

Billionaire Republican demigod and commander of all things douchey Charles Koch has reportedly told 450 conservative political donors to ‘advocate for an end to corporate cronyism’ as the first step toward ending a ‘two-tiered society’, according to reports.

Without a hint of irony, he and those 450 donors are planning to spend $890 million on the upcoming US Presidential election, looking to bring home a Republican government that hope will reduce taxes and limit business regulations.

Because that’ll help the working class. Somehow.



WHY? BECAUSE WE CAN, THAT’S WHY

The US Food and Drug Administration have approved, for no reason I can think of, the first 3-D printed prescription drug tablet.

The application came from Aprecia Pharmaceuticals (), which will use it to make the anti-seizure drug Spritam.

Why 3D print it instead of just producing it in the regular manner? Hey, maybe they want it in the shape of a tiny Fred Flintstone.



KELLOGGS WONDERING WHY SALES ARE DROPPING – TONY TIGER CLAIMS, ‘THEY’RE GRRRREAT’

Cereal producer Kelloggs (NYSE:K, Forum) is seeing a decline in quarterly sales as customers realize sugar-crushed into small coloured loops might not be as good for them as, say, slamming their shin repeatedly on a coffee table corner.

Despite buying (and degrading) healthy lines like Kashii, and retail prices that range from $9 at Whole Foods to $2.50 at Wal-Mart, the company is trying to figure out why consumers aren’t sending as much of their cash to the company as they once did.



Send your answers on a postcard and win!

‘THE BUFFALO WILL LOOK TREMENDOUS OVER THE SERVANTS QUARTERS’

Delta Airlines (NYSE:DAL, Forum), American Airlines (NASDAQ-GS:AAL, Forum), United Airlines (NYSE:UAL, Forum) and now Air Canada (TSX:AC.B, Forum) have made the decision to stop transporting lion, leopard, buffalo, rhinoceros and elephant trophies, leading the entire thinking world to loudly yell, “YOU WERE TRANSPORTING DEAD ELEPHANTS AND I CAN’T BRING A SECOND CARRY-ON BAG?”

Air Canada called such shipments ‘extremely rare’ since it doesn’t… actually… operate flights to South Africa, where such trophies are sent from.

The announcement from United was pretty hollow, considering records show it has never actually transported said trophies, which is kind of like me releasing a statement announcing that I will never sleep with Charlize Theron from this point forward.

(For the record, I have made no such announcement and remain open to discussions in this regard)



HOW DO YOU LOSE MONEY IN PORN? LET A RAPPER SPEND IT

50 Cent has filed for bankruptcy in a Connecticut court, claiming he lose over $10m in 2013 and 2014, through his record label, branding business, and porno house.

The filing came after the rapper was ordered to pay a woman $7m after posting a sex tape of her online.

The filing shows Fiddy owns seven cars and a property valued at $8.3 million.



No disclosures were made as to the value of his teeth.

“HEY, WHY DOES MY RADIO SHOW A PICTURE OF THE JOKER? WHY AM I HEADED TOWARDS THAT CLIIIIIIIIIIIIIFF….” (boom)

As if Fiat Chrysler (NYSE:FCAU, Forum) hasn’t been dealing with enough issues with a court-ordered truck buyback, recalls and lawsuits, now it’s been revealed that hackers can use a security flaw in some Fiat-installed radio systems to control braking and steering.

In other news, the NSA is offering every Muslim a free Fiat and encouraging them to drive on remote mountain roads at every opportunity.



NO FIVE STARS FOR YOU

An Uber driver has been accused of raping a woman in Dallas Texas, while working with a fake city permit. But that’s the first one this week, so that’s good.

The driver, who passed Uber’s background check before starting work for the company, was released in 2012 following jail time on a federal weapons charge.



‘I’LL HAVE THE CHURROS, FOUR TACOS, AND THE HEISENBERG BLUE’

Cedar Rapids, Iowa police arrested two individuals, including an employee, at a Taco Bell (NYSE:YUM, Forum) when they found the remnants of a meth lab inside.

Taco Bell says it will sanitize the restaurant before it reopens. And the employee has been fired.

The manager of a Los Pollos Hermanos restaurant nearby said business was brisk in the wake of the bust.



--Chris Parry
https://www.twitter.com/chrisparry