That was a rhetorical question.
I can't hope for an answer from anyone when I can't come up with an answer myself.
I am posting here because this is where it began, and it should be where it ended. What the ending will be like, I do not know.
This time last year, when I was completely lost as to what to with the mess I created, I received a PM from a man. It read:
“Lily, I have made a lot of money from oil stocks. I occasionally read the boards, but I never post. I have sold all my shares, at about the same time you sold yours. I don’t know why you went back all in and with borrowed money. You are not going to get your money back, not after being this far down. There is no future in oil. I am out. For good. I’m about to invest heavily in a stock and possibly a sector. I’m very confident that this will be a spectacular ride, and I want to take you with me.
I will do all the work for you in exchange for you to meet with me three times a week to teach me Mandarin. I need private lessons.”
I replied back, saying I can only fulfill 50% of his condition. I can teach him Mandarin, but it would have to be done virtually. I have no interest in meeting someone from here. He advised me to reconsider my decision.
Two more weeks passed and the market was only getting worst. I was desperate for some direction. I decided that it wouldn’t hurt to have a chat with someone who’s so sincere in helping me. I have to see what it is that he’s investing in.
And so we met. What a brilliant man! He told me he’s a mathematician turned trader. (I looked him up as soon as we parted, and found that he held a PhD in discrete math from a top school known for this program.) I let him know that I’m too busy to be committed to three classes per week, so we agreed on two.
In case you’re wondering, we invested in NVDA.
His Mandarin was not improving as quickly as I had hoped. Despite being exceptionally intelligent, he only knew how to write yi, er, san or one, two, three) after about two months. He wasn’t focused, easily distracted, and often had to be reminded that he needed to put more effort into learning. At this pace, it will take several centuries for him to be able to write basic characters. I couldn’t hide my fluster, and confusion when he said as long as I’m willing to teach, he’s willing to spend his lifetime to learn.
There were so much we could talk about, the politics, the economy, the music, from Jules Verne to Mo Yan to Gabriel Mrquez…we are even huge fans of the show Married With Children…
Now I wish to go back to losing my money because I’m losing something that’s far more important than that: my mind.
I wish to go back to the time when I had no material possessions, sharing a one bedroom rental in a dingy basement with my parents, spending the whole day in school without any food, but there was so much about the future to look forward to because it was a mystery: where will I go? What countries will I be living in? Who will I marry? What does it feel like standing on top of Mount Everest? Now looking back, I don’t think there’s anything worthy of mentioning for all the years I’ve lived, unless you think becoming a multimillionaire in my 20’s by hoarding real estates and stocks, or marrying a doctor are some sort of “achievements”.
The last time we met, I told him I had to go. There are boundaries I can never cross. And no. It’s not just a piece of paper that can be invalidated by a signature. I had to go because I can no longer deceive myself into thinking that what’s going on between us is purely platonic when thinking of him has become an indispensable part of my life. His offer (part of which includes sleeping on the back of his bike) was irresistibly tempting, but it came 10 years late. I said this with all the hopelessness and helplessness I could have expressed. He told me he’d wait for me, and asked if I was in love with him. I told him there are questions he should never ask, and people he should never wait for.
I have decided to go away for an undetermined amount of time. My parents came from two different countries in Asia, so I plan to alternate between my motherland and fatherland. I speak both languages fluently so I’m able to live like a local the moment I landed.
I have never come so close like this to finding my “beach” but the thought of the number of hearts I will have hurt, and the number of lives I will have destroyed has turned this dreamlike “beach” into a violently turbulent ocean.
Thank you for the song. It always makes me cry listening to it.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=81G_5WtThH4&list=RD81G_5WtThH4&index=1&pp=8AUB