How could anyone begrudge a few billion dollars to bail out poor old General Motors? Not me! Especially when the workers are prepared to sacrifice so much. For example, they've agreed to give up a whole week of vacation time. Workers with 10 years on the job will be whacked back to a lousy four weeks. Fortunately, they'll get to keep the four-day weekends they get for Easter, Victoria Day and Labour Day.
Now that I think of it, I don't get four days off for Victoria Day. Do you?
GM workers - unlike you - will still be eligible for a full pension after 30 years on the job. Unlike you, they still don't have to kick in a cent of their own money to their pension plan. Did I mention the child-care subsidy and the car-purchase discount? They'll keep those, too.
Not that I begrudge the perks. It's just that they're so much better than my own. Not to mention my husband's perks (he's self-employed), my cousin's (who just lost her job) and my nephew's (who works for 15 bucks an hour at Mr. Lube). They don't have any pension plan at all.
Come to think of it, how about a bailout for newspapers? Are we not just as crucial to the national interest? It's not our fault that newspapers are dying like flies in a hard frost. We're sure the market will come back just as soon as we lick this temporary Internet problem. We've got a viability plan, so give us a few billion dollars. I'm prepared to do my bit. I'll write some extra words every day and start to pay full price for my subscription.
While we're at it, let's not forget the other broken backbones of our economy. In the adult entertainment industry, thousands of skilled workers have lost their jobs as demand for their services has wilted. "People are too depressed to be sexually active," said Hustler's Larry Flynt, who is lobbying the U.S. government for a bailout. "This is very unhealthy as a nation. Americans can do without cars and such, but they cannot do without sex."
Newspapers and porn stars don't have a union with big clout, like auto workers do. We never voted as a bloc, and we haven't managed to strong-arm the politicians into believing the economy would be ruined unless they gave us money. That's why the Ontario government agreed to top up the GM pensions if the company goes bust. The plan is $6-billion under water, more or less.
Meantime, I'm thinking my nephew should try to get a job with the City of Toronto. They have a lot more job security than Mr. Lube. The pay is better, too, though not as good as at GM. A cashier can make $27.82 an hour, and a sexual-health promoter can make $38.38. The benefits are tops, especially the sick plan. City workers get 18 sick days a year, which they can pile up and then cash in for as much as six months pay when they quit.
Only public-sector workers get this perk, which the union swears it will never, ever give up. Taxpayers will be delighted to learn that the city's unfunded liability for sick days may amount to as much as $1-billion.
Personally, I'm genuinely sorry for the auto workers, who've been dealt a heavy blow by fate. But so have lots of folks. Thousands of people had the misfortune to make down payments on unbuilt condos before they sold their houses. Now they'll get less money for their houses than they could ever have imagined, and they'll wind up with condos that are worth less than what they'll have to pay. I'd feel sorry for those people even if I weren't one of them.
In fact, I think we all deserve a bailout - from having to underwrite labour contracts that most of us would find absurd. Once upon a time, we could afford them. Not now.